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Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Get Your Sh*t Together: 4 Things Women REALLY Want From Men

When I first started law school, I bonded quite quickly with my section mates. Big ups to all members of Section 3 c/o 2011! In the course of getting to know each other, we all spoke about our hometown, our undergraduate education, things we did prior to cashing in our tickets to hell starting law school and our relationship status. One of the things I immediately noticed was the divide between the men and the women in our section who were in relationships.It Still, it occurred to me that we all wanted the same thing:someone with their sh*t together. I found it endearing that the men felt it to be wrong to take their relationships to the next level before they got their sh*t together. What follows is a brief convo I had with my sectionmate who felt that way.

Me: So do you have a girlfriend?
Him: Yea
Me: How long have you been together?
Him: 2 years
Me: Do you love her?
Him: Yes
Me: Can you see yourself marrying her?
Him: Yes
Me: What are you waiting for?
Him: I don't have the money to buy her the ring she deserves and I refuse to give her a piece of sh*t wedding.
Me: Isn't it more about the marriage than it is the ring?
Him: Yes but you know how YOU women are. You wanna show your girls the ring and tell the story of how I flew you to Italy and proposed during a helicopter ride. Nobody wants an engagement story that involves a 1/10 carat ring or even a cubic zirconia and dinner at Burger King.

The friend in the above convo entered law school as a struggling student and graduated a WINNER: a 6 figure salary doing what he loves to do. His girlfriend waited 5 years for the ring she really wanted. Their wedding is sure to be stunning as well.  I had a similar conversation with another good male friend of mine and his answers were pretty much the same. Since then, we have graduated and solidifed our future plans and what has happened? Both of them have proposed to their girlfriends. It was not that they wanted to leave her in limbo, he just did not have his sh*t together. Is that so wrong? 

Women are spesh-ul. If we are attracted to a man, we make exceptions to our list and then even exceptions to the exceptions. We might say we want a mandigo with a master's but when times get hard we'd hook up with an a**hole with an associate's. 

I have a sliding scale of success in terms of determining whether a man is worthy of a date. If he does not have a degree, he BETTER have a career with advancement opportunities. The 50% off discount at Kids Footlocker (YES I wear kids sneakers! Don't hate on my small feet) is appealing and all but umm...a 27 year old associate at Kids Foot Locker is not the caliber of man I want to seriously date. While it is true we may have fun together, that is all I believe we will ever have. I feel you judging me. Gone head and pass your judgment, I'll wait. Now lets get back to business. I hear you wondering so I'll go ahead and clear it up. I am NOT opposed to dating a man who makes less money than me as long as the amount is not significant. For example, if I am making $75,000 and he makes $60,000 we can make it work. If I make $75k and he makes $25k? Umm well lets just say I'll be alone and leave it at that. Its not that I have an problem with supporting a grown arse man but I have a problem supporting a grown arse man. You can preach to me 24/7 about institutional racism and how the black men at work are holding you back but I don't wanna hear it. I mean, I will listen but I don't want to hear it. We can even have sex after you complain but that doesn't mean I want to hear you gripe. It just means I want to have sex. So I guess I will pretend to listen if I know sex will follow. Ping! 

The underlying issue with dating a man who does not have his sh*t together is that he may seem like he's on his way to the top, but he ends up staying at the bottom. What if your guy decided to quit his secure job and return to school only to flunk out and end up unemployed? He sells you champagne dreams but you end up living in the hood covering most of the bills. He's trying to make a better life, but it just.won't.happen. That is a big risk to take. You might find a man who just started his own business with great profit projections but all of that could fall apart. Uncertainty is frustrating like a muddasucka. He might drive an Altima now but he's on his way to making Audi and Mercedes money. All he wants you to do is be patient with him. He's about to go back to school to get his Ph.D and with his earning potential once he earns his degree he wants to cross the ocean and bring you the moon. What do you do? Wait around for him to get it together or move on with someone who already has his ducks in a row. 

If you were to ask any random single woman what is on her list, she's going to give you some BS about wanting a tall, dark, handsome man who drives a nice car, earned a degree from the Harvard Business School and makes 6 figures. She might also mention that she wants a man who is great in bed, pledged KAPsi and has a six pack. As I said before, women make exceptions. We are willing to try to make it work with someone who doesn't measure up, if he can give us the 4 things we REALLY want. Regardless of what she tells you, every woman wants 4 things: 

1. Security. Understand security comes in many forms. There is financial security which is the biggest one that comes to mind. Of course, having money means you don't have to worry about money. Not having money adds stress on your relationship and it means you will be restricted in the things you can do because you're broke.  There is also the kind of security that comes with knowing our spouse can come to our rescue when we are in peril. We want a protector and a provider. 

2. Acceptance. We have stretch marks, cellulite and a big forehead (or in my case, a FIVEhead) but we want you to love us for all of that. We all have body parts we are self-conscious about and we want you to accept them. Love us for our shortcomings, not in spite of them. Now there are some things we would like you to be honest about. She isn't that great in bed? Teach her what you like. She gained a little weight? Get into an exercise routine WITH her. Accept us enough to be honest with us and love us enough to soften the blow. 

3. Encouragement. We want someone who encourages us to follow our dreams. Don't hold us back because you are afraid of a woman who makes more money or has more status than you. Make it genuinely clear that you will support her decisions. Stand by her through her successes and encourage her when she experiences failure. She might seem like a two-headed demon sometimes but she will appreciate you. 

4. Loyalty. If you're wondering what I mean by loyalty, just ask Sandra Bullock, Elin Nordegren, and Eva Longoria. Since you probably don't know them, that would make my previous sentence a stupid suggestion so I'll go ahead and tell you. Loyalty is simple: DON'T CHEAT. Before you decide to cross the line and commit infidelity, break it off with her. Don't try to be technical and put different labels on sh*t to make yourself feel better either. Sexual intercourse is not the only way people cheat. You saw her nipple? Thats cheating. You spent all night on the phone with a new chick you met at a bar? Thats cheating. She slipped and fell on your penis? Yikes! Thats cheating too. If you can't be loyal, don't commit. If you feel like you're going to stop being loyal, break it off and walk away. That way, you can go off and sow your royal oats without the guilt. 

What do you think? Did I miss anything? What do you think a woman looks for in a man?  


Anonymous said...


Rickeysha G said...

Well I try :-)

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