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Wednesday, July 06, 2011

The Question You're Too Embarrassed to Ask

Caveat: This is not a discussion about what makes women happy or how to make a relationship successful. I do understand there are other determining factors for whether a relationship will work including their view on whats funny (Soul Plane anyone?), religious views, political views, and how they prefer to spend their free time. This isn't the post where I discuss any of those things. Before you go jumping down my throat (pun!), I know relationships are not all about finding the biggest sausage (s/o to #teamviennasausage!) or the greatest sex ever but stick with me for a second, or twenty. 

Please understand that this is a mature discussion about a sexual topic. If you are not comfortable discussing sex with others, this post aint for you.

Still reading? Yay! You're pretending to be mature! 

YES it is and NO I'm not. 
The question people are either too embarrassed to ask or too embarrassed to admit they want the answer to: How can you tell a man's penis size?

Everybody is concerned about it. Don't lie! Women want to know the size and men wonder about the size of theirs. Further, men are more concerned about being too small and only a few sex gods men complain about being too large. Feel free to deny any of this, but I'll just put it out there that I will think you're lying. Since Earthlings started wearing clothes, women have shamefully undressed men with our eyes while trying to figure out the size of his ummm SHIP. Now I know the nice thing would be to say its about the motion in the ocean, but this isn't about being nice. Just as (many) black men don't actively pursue a woman with nositol, women don't actually look for a man with smallpeenitis. If you end up with these things, you learn to make the best of it. Point. Blank. Period. 

Don't worry, you don't have to agree with me. I encourage spirited debates.

Before I continue, remember the two types of men: show-ers and grow-ers. When I speak about size, I am referring to an erect penis. Then there's the hard like a horse LONG & STRONG which is when the penis is thee most erect, but we won't take it that far left. I am going to assume all of the women reading this know better than to judge a man by his flaccid penis. I am also going to assume all of the men reading this know better than to allow a woman to judge him by the size of his flaccid penis. If you didn't know it before, I bet you know now! 

 Peep the footage.

So lets recap: There is STILL no relationship between penis size and a man's height or shoe size BUT there may be a new relationship. A recent endowment study found that there was a significant relationship – not a perfect one– between the length of the index finger and penis size. Now that doesn’t mean that the length of his index finger is the same as the length of his penis, it means that menwith longer index fingers have longer penises and people with shorter index fingers have shorter penises. 

Stop the madness!! Over the years, we have tried analyze his HAND size, SHOE size, NOSE size, EAR size and the length of his arms among other things in our quest to secretly figure out if he is well endowed. Where do all of these methods and measurement myths come from? Who came up with bogus scientific evidence to prove and disprove all of these "methods?" I bet it was the men with big feet and enlarged ears! *giggles* My point is, women are more curious than we care to acknowledge. There are women reading this now who still won't admit they are curious. We prefer to be sneaky freaks who can glance at a man's ears instead of admitting our intrigue. Somebody about our genetic make up and how we were raised to carry ourselves as "ladies" with strong "values." These "values" make us want to look at his feet (and claim its because we want to make sure his shoes aren't dirty) and figure out whether he could use his third leg as a backup if one of his other legs were amputated. We want more subtle methods for judging because we don't want to be viewed as someone who is constantly thinking about sex? WHY? Because the only women who constantly think about sex are heauxxs and no self-respecting woman would embrace that label. I am not saying throw your values away, all I'm saying is I want people to stop acting like nobody is looking. *SOMEBODY* is funding all of these studies. 

As a woman who has sheepishly and audaciously used these same methods to determine whether a man is well endowed, hung like a horse or blessed below the belt,  I can tell you NONE of them work (I feel you judging me but I'm gonna continue writing anyway). How do I know this? A lady NEVER tells. But since I know you're all curious, lets just say I have shared stories with other women that confirm this. The size 12 shoe doesn't always correlate neither does being taller than 6 feet. 

After reading all the studies and looking at the unscientific evidence, I have concluded that the only way to check a man's size is to see it. Yea you read that right. Read it again if you need to. I'm not saying go around asking random men to pull it out. Don't blame your sexual faux pas on my suggestions. 

You see a guy with BIG shoes? It just means it takes him less steps to walk somewhere. You see a man with big ears? Be careful he might hear your thoughts. Unlike Santa Claus, mermaids and SMURFS, men who suffer from "vienna peen itis" exist. Don't believe all of these men are of a certain ethnic background either. I used to think all black men were well endowed but BOY was I wrong! I can talk about them because they are my brothers. If you say something bad about them, I might have to hurt you. Just kidding, but not really. 

So fellas, when you see a woman wondering about your "package" go ahead and PTMO: pull the man's out. Ladies, if you're still too shy to admit you're curious its time to come out of your shell. 

Women are from venus. Men are from Mars.

Is this REALLY a question people are still too embarrassed to ask? Will you be testing the new theory?  I'm listening. 

Twitter: @LegallyRatchet1

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