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Monday, August 29, 2011

Liar Liar! Pants on Fire! 5 Famous "White Lies"

White Lies. They are the kind of lies that are considered harmless or even beneficial. They are the lies everyone finds themselves telling every once in a while. We all do it, so don't bother denying it because I won't believe you. Don't waste your breath. Even Honest Abe told a white lie or two. Why do people tell white lies? Because sometimes stretching the truth a bit is easier than telling the whole truth. Perhaps the whole truth is a long story and the white lie is less than a sentence. Its the easy way out.The Cheese Institute at the University of Wisconsin recently did a study on white lies and found that 85% of white lies told are actually stretched interpretations of the truth. Ok I totally made up that study but I wanted to sound official.

White lies make the world a better place. They are ok as long as they don't cause any actual damage or don't break any criminal codes or laws.

Here is my list of the top 5 white lies:

1. I'm on my way. I have to admit, mostly women tell this lie. We use it when we're getting dressed to go places, mostly on dates. What we really mean is we haven't gotten in the shower yet but we want you to anticipate our arrival. So when we answer the phone call knowing the reason you called is to find out where we are, we make sure to tell you we're on the way. If you wanna trip her up, ask her what she's wearing. She probably hasn't even chosen her ensemble yet. If she can't answer the question, you might as well find a way to preoccupy your time for the next hour until she ACTUALLY leaves her place. We don't have to use this with our girlfriends unless they are anal about always being on time. Even so, our girlfriends have already labeled us the "late friend." What does this mean? It means we are usually the girlfriend in the group known for being late so we get told to arrive by a time that is an hour earlier than we actually need to be somewhere just to make sure we arrive on time. Oh thats just me and my girlfriends? Oh thats just me? Ooh ok.

When I use this white lie, I try to balance it by making sure I arrive looking breathtakingly fabulous. I hear you judging me for my confidence, gone head and judge me.

2. "I don't usually do this". Ok this isn't a white lie. This is a big lie. Why? Because the only people who use that excuse are the people who ALWAYS do what they claim they don't usually do.  Oh you don't usually "toot it and boot it" on the first date? Well why are you wearing crotchless undies? Consider this a formal request for additional human. Its the cousin to "I've never done this before"

3. I have read and agree to the terms of use. Keep it 100, family. We don't always read every single thing we sign. Sometimes we don't want to hold up the people behind us and sometimes we just don't f*cking feel like reading it. Before law school, my John Hancock was signed on so many unread terms of use. I must admit going to law school has changed that for me. Much to the chagrin of everyone who wants me to sign somethin I take time to read each make term. I do this even when they try to explain the major terms to me.  Nothing like trying to cut through the yellow tape of trying to cancel your contract to teach you a lesson about reading ish before you sign it. Oh you signed your name saying you read all 25 pages and you agree to the terms of use? I can't help you.

4. I'll call you back. Do you know how people say weed is the gateway drug? This is the gateway lie. It is a gateway lie because it is a lie told by people who know d@mn well they aren't going to call you back. Chances are you were rambling and they couldn't get a word in edgewise so they needed a quick and painless way to get your selfish self off of the phone. They told you this lie to save your ego but it teeters on the border between "white lie" and "actual lie." The people who tell this lie could also have an incoming call from someone they would prefer to talk to. I know I have done it. Its easier to blurt out "Hey I'm gonna call you back in a few" than it is to say "Hey this person I have been waiting to call is actually calling now and I prefer to talk to them so buh bye." I know I'm known for my blunt antics but even I am not that cold. This is a white lie because although it is possible conversations with said person are likely to last for hours and could go through the night it is also possible that it wont. If it does not last long, you may get your call back.

5. We're just friends. This is one white lie that can cause a lot of collateral damaage. Yea you're cool with being "just friends" in public but behind closed doors the two of you behave more like a couple than Hov & Bey. She cooks. He cleans. They swing from chandeliers and bang major pots and pans into the wee hours of the night. All of your friends think you behave as a couple but to save face the 2 of you continue to refer to your obviously sexual and intimate relationship as a "friendship." Be careful with how you tell this white lie because it could end up violating the tenets of white lies by causing actual harm.

It was all good just a week ago. I know I left out a few. Do you think the ones listed are white lies or actual lies? What are some of the most common white lies you have told/heard?

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