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Wednesday, October 26, 2011

FOUND in Translation: Chick Logic 101

Women are confusing. We are so confusing, we don't even understand each other. The bottom line for women is that we are confused creatures ourselves. We are all so different in our attitudes, demeanors, sense of style and perception of beauty that we sometimes become our own worst enemy. We’re quicker to pass negative judgment on another woman than we are on a man. We destroy friendships in favor of shabby relationships. We make outfit choices not based on what we like but on what other women are likely to notice. We are complicated beings.  Mattafack, if you need woman advice, the last person you should ask is another woman. I am always astonished when I ask one of my male friends for advice on another male he hasn't spent more than an hour with and he can give me relevant advice. He might have only "dapped" the dude or gotten You can't do the same thing for women. Some of us are good at hiding our crazy so deeply no one will know until we end up on an episode of Snapped. 

Regardless of the woman you're dealing with, there are some universal female tenets every woman lives by. These tenets are referred to as "chick logic." Chick logic is the line of reasoning women use to justify their actions. It is employed in situations where no other explanation makes sense. It is a logic only demonstrated by women. 

Without further is Chick Logic: REVEALED

5. Why we LIE and say we're fine. Everyone has seen a distressed woman. Its not pretty. She's usually crying. Her hair is a mess. We try to hide our emotions because we don't think it can be solved just by talking. This is especially true when dealing with males because 1) they don't know what to do with a crying woman and 2) they will say whatever it takes to make us stop crying. Its not always a bad thing that we're crying. Sometimes we get so overwhelmed with our life's events that we just need to let out a good cry. We say we're fine because we don't want to be coddled or held or anything. We say we're fine because its what we're expected to say. Sometimes, we just need to shed a few tears and we feel better. We just need a few moments to acknowledge that things have gotten out of control before we regain control. Other times, we say we're fine when OBVIOUSLY we are the opposite of fine just to see how much you care. Everything is a TEST with some women. She may not be mature enough to have realistic conversations with you so she chooses to resort to childish antics and gauge your reaction. Hence, if you see her crying and she says she's fine and you walk away she's ready to delete you from her life. You can remind her how many times she said she's fine but that won't work. Sucks for you.

4. Why We Can't Handle Being FWB(friends with benefits). Ok thats a little extreme. We CAN handle FWB arrangements. What we can't handle is when they are prolonged. We can't handle when the guy is nice and charming to us. We can't handle it when he wants to spend time with us doing something other than the horizontal polka. We can't handle it when he sends mixed signals about our chances of eventually entering in a monogamous relationship. We can't handle this because we weren't bred to do this. We weren't created to be objectified. We weren't taught to have emotionless sex. When our parents told us about "the birds and the bees" they didn't mention that Steve might only want to be your f*ck buddy. We weren't prepped for it as much as men are. Not that there is anything wrong with having a FWB as it can be a beneficial experience for both parties involved. All I'm saying is, after a few months, women are bound to start "catching feelings" no matter how much she denies it.

3. Why We Are So Critical Of Other WomenWomen are so critical of other women that is perplexes men. This is because men simply don’t care enough to critique another man. Case in point: I’m at a social function with my male friend and I notice a considerable amount of men wearing baggy button downs. Its clear they didn’t bother to get measured to find out their true size and that bothers me. I ask my male friend, “Hey what do you think about men wearing baggy dress shirts? Isn’t that counterproductive?” His response: “I really didn’t notice, I was too busy looking at all these fat assed women in tight cocktail dresses.” Touche my ninja. After we shared a healthy laugh at his response, I had to catch myself for criticizing the women in the room for wearing said cocktail dresses. I recognize that they wore it show off their figures in what biologists would call the "peacock dance" had we been in the animal kingdom. I also recognize that women do not just dress for men, women dress for other women. I said all that to say that I can only speak for myself for this topic. I'm critical of other women because I am critical of myself. I don't like it when other women are "unladylike." Sue me. I also don't like it when women show up to professional networking functions dressed inappropriately. Soooo, YES I am critical of women who violate my unwritten rules. I'm critical because I think we can all do better. Thats it. 

2. Why We Date "Bad Boys:" I could explain this by saying women are nurturing creatures and feeding you a bunch of BS you're too full to eat. But I'm not here for that. Its time for keeping it real to go RIGHT. First, you should know by "bad boy" I don't necessarily mean a man with a record. A "bad boy" is simply a BOY the age of a MAN who is not ready to grow up and maintain a committed and monogamous relationship with a woman who makes him want to become a better man. We (and by we, I mean educated women) go for the bad boy because he is different. He's a simple minded creature. His pipe laying abilities are at an expert level. His charisma is off the charts. His "swag" is unparalleled. These are the things that make us want to associate with him. The reason we stay is because every time we think about leaving to find someone else, we realize that we'll have to compromise on a few things. The men we go on dates with aren't as fun to be around. They are either too cocky or have confidence issues. They don't have nearly as much "swag" as our current guy and have ZERO charisma. When all else fails, just know we're dating him to piss off our fathers and older brothers. "Bad Boys" are fun and exciting until they break our heart. Until that dreaded time comes, give us a chance to enjoy the ride. Lit'rally. 

1. Why We Support Beyonce: Let me just say that I quasi-stan for Beyonce. How can you quasi Stan? Well its simple, I support her and I love her music BUT I don't have my Stan blinders on so much that I won't listen to illuminati rumors. *looks around suspiciously* I believe every urban woman relates to Beyonce in some way. Whether its because she took a man who was seemingly a "bad boy" and got him to commit, or her *cough* acting ability, or the lyrics in her songs Beyonce has elevated herself and her career on her way to becoming an icon. She managed to "upgrade," marry & procreate with a bad boy who once sold drugs and still wears baggy clothes and Tims. In accordance with the hyped fantasy many women have of finally turning a bad boy good, Beyonce shows us that this is still possible. She's now a shining example of a woman who appears to truly have it all-a successful career and a healthy family. 

Sometimes I think women are not meant to be understood. I think God meant for men to find that one woman he doesn’t mind spending a lifetime trying to understand. 

Does chick logic exist? Are women as crazy as the media and men think we are? Did I miss any chick logic tenets? I'm listening...

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