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Wednesday, June 13, 2012

DECODED: 5 Red Flags Women Ignore

So I put myself on a relationship hiatus. Thats right. I became one of those women who is "single by choice." My friends still think I'm crazy and my dad has dropped hints about wanting me to produce a grandchild. Its awkward. They don't know my struggles. I took myself off of the market because I had become one of those women who didn't believe a man when he told AND showed me who he was. I didn't like that. I had to chill. Polar Bear. 

In the spirit of helping someone learn from my mistakes, you get today's post.

Maya Angelou once said, "When people show you who they are believe them the first time." People may try to hide behind accomplishments, money and status but they are always showing you who they really are; the trick is to pay attention. 

For those of you who have not figured it out yet (read: men), women will do something like ignore red flags and then wonder where they went wrong. We spend time after doomed relationships reflecting on how things went to shit so quickly. We replay the good and bad moments looking for indicators when the signs of failure were there in the beginning but we chose to ignore them for one reason or another. Its easier to avoid a bad relationship than it is to get out of it. That is why noticing red flags is important.

Wonder which flags I'm talking about? Come fly with me...

5. He Self Medicates. When he's had a stressful day at work does he prefer to talk about it or have a drink and watch SportsCenter or play video games? When the two of you have an argument, does he first try to solve the problem or have sex? Is he an emotional eater? Does he have an addictive personality? Also, take note of how he spends his time. Does he discipline himself to stick to a workout regimen? If he self medicates and lacks discipline while you're dating, you may find yourself wondering when your husband became an unruly alcoholic. People (not just men) who choose self medicating over facing their problems are usually bad news. 

4. He's on a Spiritual Journey Without a Map. The things in which a man places his faith speaks volumes about him. Where is he on his spiritual journey?  Does he even realize he is on one? If all he does is post stuff like "Thank God for Another Day" on social networks while you have began tithing and attending church regularly, its obvious the two of you are not on the same page. He says he believes in God but you have never seen him pray. He stays in bed while you go to bible study. He says he's a Christian but he doesn't own a bible or know one bible verse. Those things are not to be ignored. Does he even bless his food? Does he believe in fasting? How often does he attend church? How active is he in his church? How open is he to the idea of the two of you growing in your faith together? If he struggles with his faith while you're dating, you're gonna have a hard time getting your husband to come to church with you. 

3. He says, "I'm not ready for a relationship." This is not just a red flag, its a WRONG WAY sign as well. If you are ready for a relationship, do not get involved with a man who tells you he is not. The problem with these words is they are usually uttered by the type of man who should be ready for a relationship. At least women think so. He's attractive, smart, funny, kind, has degrees, doesn't have kids, loves his mama, has a solid circle of friends, loves God, gives back and can lay pipe like no other. Oh yea, he's your dream guy. He has everything you want in a man. He has everything you have prayed to God for except for that one teensy tidbit.

Women get caught up when they start to think men like this should be mean. If he's nice to you it must mean he wants to be a relationship with you? Women only believe he's serious about not wanting a relationship when he treats us like trash so we can't fall for him. Then, when we do fall for him its his fault for being so damned nice. Silly girls. We even question why he doesn't want a relationship. Thats easy. He doesn't want a relationship because he doesn't want a relationship. See that ladies? Its that simple. So, when you HEAR a man tell you he isn't ready for a relationship, believe him. 

No way you screw, suck or fall for him will change that until HE is good and ready. Thats the problem with women. We think we can change a man's mind. We think he doesn't want a relationship yet because he hasn't seen what we have to offer. He hasn't seen how we slurp, speak or slow cook oxtails. Newsflash: There is nothing special enough about YOU to change his mind so stop going around thinking you can. You can't. When a man has told you he isn't ready for a commitment but you still give him your all, you can't blame anyone but yourself for your heartbreak. Statistics show when a man decides he IS ready for a relationship, he seeks out a new chick. Perhaps that has something to do with a woman knowing her self worth and not expecting less than 100% from a man.

2. He has a Dysfunctional Relationship with his Mother. Some mother-son relationships are dysfunctional. Don't ignore your intuition when it tells you your beau has a dysfunctional relationship with his mother. She could be too overbearing or too attached and that could cause problems. He mistreats his mother then tries to justify it. Don't act like thats ok. Pretending like you don't see how he treats his mother doesn't make it better. Don't act like you understand why he flipped out on her at dinner over the tip. There are thugs who will go ape shit about their mother, if your guy doesn't love or respect his mama what the hell makes you think he will be that way to you? His relationship with his mother is a reflection of how he views women. Does he treat her like a queen? Does he show her love and appreciation or does he ignore her phone calls? If he and his mom don't have a healthy relationship you're in for a world of trouble trying to build one with him.

1. His Circle of Friends is Full of Squares. If you meet his friends, pay close attention to their dynamic. How did they meet? How long have they known each other? Are they friends because he's their boss? Is he the friend with the most money/power/influence? What is the relationship status of his friends? Men need friends who can hold them accountable. This dynamic of the relationship must be two-fold: 1) It must be someone who won't hesitate to tell him when he's messing up a good thing; and 2) He must respect that person enough to listen. If all of his friends answer to him, he is walking around unaccountable as all hell. Belee that. Some men SUCK boiled Rottweiler lips at relationships because they lack accountability. If he doesn't have anyone around him who can hold him accountable, you're in trouble.

I'm no genius but I'm sure many of these things could be flipped such that they apply to women.
I'm not saying men (people) with these red flags should be ignored or avoided.
I AM saying women need to be aware of who we are dealing with before we give our open heart to a man.
Don't make excuses for him.
Don't ignore your intuition.
Don't explain away the red flags.
Don't try to change him.

Thats my time. Its your turn now. What are some relationship red flags you have noticed? Why do you think women ignore red flags? 


theshakedownbreakdown said...

YES!!!!! I'm always preaching about this to the women around me.

Some [other] red flags I've noticed that we choose to ignore is how the old women (exes,boos,eff buddies, whatever!) in his life respond to him (the obvious similarities) and the way he handles the things he doesn't like. If he treats the last one like she ain't ish and disrespects her to you, guaranteed you're game for the same. AND if he is talking to you about issues with his friends/family/exes/etc. and not handling them with the conflicting parties, guess what is gonna happen when he's mad with you.

We (yes, I've done it too) ignore for a lot of reasons. The biggest I think is because sometimes it feels better to have them there than it does to let them go and wonder if you were the one he "might've treated different".

Rickeysha G said...

"AND if he is talking to you about issues with his friends/family/exes/etc. and not handling them with the conflicting parties, guess what is gonna happen when he's mad with you."

You better SAY THAT!!

"The biggest I think is because sometimes it feels better to have them there than it does to let them go"

I think its even more true once you get older and feel the pressure to have a man more. Some women feel like they aren't REALLY successful unless they can go to the company Christmas party with a man on her arms. Doesn't matter if she's sharing him or if he's crazy...he's a man. She wins, no?

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