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Sunday, July 01, 2012

BET AWARDS 2012: The Live Recap

For those of you who don't know, the BET awards will be  airing tonight at 8:00pm on BET. Since this year's host Samuel L. Jackson has dubbed it "Too big to miss" I decided I would watch it and see what all the fuss is about. Aight, thats a lie. I'm only watching to see Beyonce slay in the audience. I'm not looking forward to any particular performances because I know better. I can't guarantee I'll be able to get through the whole thing since it HAS been a  while since I gave BET any real chance of burning out my tv lamp. 

Anywho, check back here at 8 and watch it with me. I'll update the blog during every commercial break. 
8:00 pm The people of G.O.O.D Music open the show. Big Sean is on stage. The set looks like an actual Lambo. So far I am not moved. It def looks like a Kanye set with laser lights #andshit. The censors are really interfering with my ability to enjoy this set. Pusha T is up. Its clear they all decided to wear all white. Oh, they're like a coordinated rap band. Why does it sound like they're out of breath? I'm not impressed. Oh wait, its 2chainz! I'm so here for this!!! 

8:03 pm Kanye shows up and prances his bowlegged ass down the stage. So the censors just gone bleep out his entire set? I can't help but think this performance is an ode to his latest girlfriend, the infamous cum catcher. Kanye cuts the music and starts trying to win my love back doing what Kanye does best then drops the MF mic. He struggled through it tho. 

Oh lord, they got MC Lyte again. *Yawn* 
Here comes the lineup of artists. 
Not interested. 

Samuel L Jackson's crazy ass is on stage. Wait. He's really performing? To "N*ggas in Paris." Spike Lee is on stage too. Wait. Whats really happening?! This is hard to watch. Its like that thing that you *know* they tried to make funny but missed the mark. Morehouse, come get your men. 
The censor sucks. 
8:11pm The Award for Best Group. Where is Outkast when you need 'em? The Throne wins!!!!!! Kim looked like she was confused about whether she was supposed to join Kanye on stage. Hoe have a seat! I kinda want Kanye to say some controversial shit but I know he knows better now. Hovie Hov joins an obviously surprised 'Ye on stage for their acceptance speech. Hov is clean!!! Stop hating on his white shoes and PeeWee Herman look. The Carters are in the building bitch! 

8:13pm LaLa is here to update us on the tweets and Facebook statuses we chose to ignore. She's really shiny. 
::Commercial Break::
8:18 pm The show returns. Its time for Ursh to perform. If he doesn't take his shirt off imma be sorely disappointed. He's performing Climax in one of those shirts left over from the You Got it Bad video. I didn't think he could perform this falsetto live. Pause the MF show. Are those pink Uggs? I'm not here for this Ursh. He's yelling now. I don't like yelling singers. To anyone who wants to be a rockstar you gotta be prepared to wear leather pants in the fuckin summer, B. 

8:23pm. Academy Award nominee Taraji P Henson is here to present the award for Best Actor. Not loving the dress on her. It looks last minute. Am I the only one who still sees her as Yvette from "Baby Boy?" Idris Elba is nominated. If Idris shows up I'm goin to take a bubble bath. Denzel was nominated too. Kevin Hart wins. Disregard that line about the bubble bath. Kevin starts his speech saying "First of all I knew I would win..." and manages to make it hilarious. Can't believe he beat out Denzel, but I love Kevin so I'm happy for his short ass. Bet money BET is now giving awards to people for showing up. They knew Denzel wasn't comin. 

Congrats to Serena Williams and Kevin Durant for taking home the award for the Subway Sportsman and Sportswoman of the Year. In that order. 

8:29 pm Ceddy Ced is in the building! Fresh from the funeral parlor with that carnation on his lapel! Ceddy is presenting the Best New Artist award. My money is on 2Chainz. He's the best rapper alive. Everybody knows that. Big Sean wins. He deserves it. I knew that ninja would win anyway. Swerve. He's wearing sunglasses inside so I'm gonna assume he's drunk & high. First shot of Beyonce! WOO! 

8:33pm Its the gospel part of the show. Earlier than usual. I guess they wanted to get it out of the way. I know some of ya'll heathens turned the channel. I don't know all these women. I just know Yolanda Adams. They sound good doe. I see I can expect to see the camera pan to Beyonce every other minute. I can't believe she's there either, BET. S/o to Jamie Foxx for rockin a Trayvon Martin t-shirt!! 

8:37pm Its the first set of what I surmise will be several tributes to "our fallen." First up is a 1/2 second tribute to Al Jackson, Dick Clark & Don Cornelius. Free can't ever get her hair right. 
::commercial break::
8:42pm The show is back with a performance by (Harpo who dis woman?) Chante Moore. Its a tribute to disco queen Donna Sommers. I was once told I look like her. No shade for the queen. 

8:44pm Ms. Goode makes her first appearance on BET as a married woman. Another person in BCBG. She thought people would care when she announced she's a married woman. Girl, no. She's here to present the award for the Best R&B male. Breezy wins. He's wearin Tims. Aint it hot in LA? Pretty sure his feet stank. 

8:46pm Elle Varner (the girl who sings "Refill") is here to introduce new artists. Her dress looks like a stained glass window but somehow she's making it work. I'm never here for this portion of the show doe. Did they just go to commercial in the middle of this boy's set? Oh the shaaaadddeeee!!! Thats what he gets for being a fake ass Cee-Lo. 

Oh, and BET has given Keyshia Cole another show. 

8:51pm The show returns from commercial. Sam describes someone who is "smart, fiesty and colorful." I thought he was talkin about Dora. Its just Nicki Minaj. She bet not try that shit she pulled over at MTV. We aint here for your stunts Nicki, just be you. Again, the censors suck. WTF is this song? Yo. Nicki sucks ass. I don't see it for her. YASSS for Beyonce knowing the words to Beez in the trap!! Why is the censor muting when her mouth is not anywhere near the mic? Here comes 2Chainz lookin Nino Brown fresh. Oh yea, Nicki's ass is definitely fake. That thang don't even move. 

8:56pm Hip Hop "supergroup" Slaughterhouse is in the building. These suits and ties look like "too much effort." Me no likey. They're babbling. It aint funny. Them nigs just happy they got past security. Its time for the best collabo award. They proly gonna give it to Bey just cuz she's there. Oh shit!!! They gave it to Wale & Miguel for Lotus Flower Bomb. Get you a piece of Ms. Miguel's laid mame! He is serving us somethin special! I know one thing tho, if Beyonce doesn't win anything she won't EVER come back to another BET Awards show. Get your shit together, BET. 

9:04pm Its time for another tribute. Damn why do they keep spreading them out? Just run em all together. I don't like having sad shit thrown at me without a warning. They need to add some captions too. Is this a side ponytail, fan, mushroom combo? Girl, who did your hair? Damn black people shol' know what to do with somebody else's hair. Its taking me too long to figure out who these people are. I think this one is for Nick Ashford, which would mean this is Val Simpson. Hold your judgment. 

9:06pm Melanie Fiona graces the stage. So far it looks like a scene from Dream Girls. No word on whether this will change. Melanie is definitely sanging her ass off. Not sure why she decided to sing a song from the B sides. Nobody knows that song, girl. 

9:11pm Theres a comedy spot where Sam Jackson shows up at Kevin Hart's house. Anthony Anderson and that other fat black dude are in it. hahahaha Sam said, "You already made a slave movie. It was called 'Soul Plane.'" 

9:13pm Lala is pulling double duty in that Aladdin jumpsuit tonight. Is it shade that she is announcing the Best Gospel award? They couldn't find a saved and surrendered person to show up and present it? Yolanda Adams wins. No shade on her pleated shirt with the cut out shoulders look either. She looks beautiful and I can tell she has a heart made of honey. She give props to Brandy, Monica, Bey and Solange. She is now my auntie Yolanda. She encourages people to use their gift responsibly & ends with "Keep God first."

::commercial break::
9:21pm Holy shit its D'Angelo! Its his first televised performance in 12 years and chile he aint even changed his wardrobe, combed his hair or switched up his style. Where did the sexy go? Does his vest have fringes? <---those questions need answers. He looks a hot mess and I know the ladies are disappointed but he still sounds great. I'm enjoying it. Beyonce is standing for the performance so at least someone else is feeling it. Bet money he could still sing some of ya'll out of your panties. He better sing Brown Sugar or its gonna be a misunderstanding. Beyonce and Solange are now both enjoying the performance. Ya'll care. 

::commercial break::
9:29pm The boys of Mindless Behavior are now on stage with Mike Epps who obviously borrowed his fit from a Jodeci video. Again, the censor sucks. Hint: you're supposed to bleep the actual cuss NOT the words after it. They let the cuss come thru *then* mute it. Best Female R&B artist award goes to Beyonce!!! All hail the King! Bey pulled back the Lauryn Hill shade that ungrateful youngin from Mindless behavior tried to serve when he Mike Epps' singing is "Lauryn Hill tax accountant bad." Bey wasn't havin that. She's a class act who doesn't need to bash those who came before her. I'm lookin at you, Nicki. She dedicated her award to Whitney and served us all a healthy portion of perfection. Take notes Angelina. 

My mind is weary. I wish I hadn't started this. 

9:33pm Laz Alonzo is here to shine a light on some folks. Laz can get all of me. He introduces David Boone, Jr. who is the latest "Homeless to Harvard" story and I love it! Vy Higinson is also pretty amazing. Salute to those two! Shade free zone. 

::commercial break::
9:40pm Another comedy spot. I'm bored. All I know is Sam Jackson showed up with a light saber. Real Husbands of Hollywood is coming soon. I didn't laugh. Kevin Hart is on stage. The contrast of that white jacket is a little too much and that shirt is too close to his skin tone. Me no likey. 

Its time for the Maybach Music Group!! The background track is too loud. The censor still sucks. Seriously, is the e-trade baby working the sensor? I wish they wouldn't sing along with this loud ass track. It sounds horrible. Ya'll don't see Bey vibin to MMG. Woo!! They let Meek out!!! 

::commercial break::
9:49pm Damn Busta what you been eatin boy? Remember this episode of Spongebob? Its time for the Best Female Hip Hop artist. Who these other chicks tho? Of course Nicki was gonna win. She had to bring YMCMB with her. Her ass is still fake. I don't see it for this New Nicki. 

9:52pm Boris Kodjoe is here for the ladies. He says please welcome Jennah Bell to the stage. Jennah Bell who? She can sing. No surprise they cut to commercial break again. 

9:57pm Back from commercial break. Time for the Cadillac Lifetime Achievement award. Who better to give it than Tyler Perry? Am I the only one who hears Madea when he talks? Who better to give black people an award than Cadillac? The recipient is Maze ft. Frankie Beverly, man. I say Frankie Beverly!  Real music just showed up!  OMG Joe is on stage! Tyrese has come a long way from singing in Coca Cola commercials. *sings* Joy and Pain. Can I just say 'Ye looks crazy sitting next to that Yampdashian gul? Cuz I just said it. Its Faith Evans' turn to woo us. Its Happy Feelings!!! This is a real jam session!!! Salute to Maze ft. Frankie Beverly on their Lifetime Achievemant Award! 

10:11pm Yessss they're about to perform. Its a party! No Waka Flocka. It feels like I'm at the black family reunion. I love the song We Are One especially when its followed up with that oldie goldie Before I let you go. Brown liquor music at its finest! If you go to a black function and you don't hear this song you should know they are not real blacks. When the performance was over, I clapped like I was there. 

10:24pm More photos of people I'm assuming are dead. Now Sam Jackson is on stage pubbing his new movie Django Unchained. S/o to Jamie Foxx for rockin the Trayvon Martin t-shirt! Kerry Washington looks like perfection. Its time for the video of the year! The award goes to Jay & Hov. Hov is too smooth! fajiofjaiofdjapofdjiapfjdiaopfjdiao "Excuse me Kanye Imma let you finish but..." Hovie hov!! Oh and did ya'll see that light arm pat Kim got from Jay? It said so much about the kind of friend Jay-Z is. Fellas, Hov is that friend who will be nice to all your hoes and have em thinking they're special cuz they met him. That pat on the arm Jay gave Kim was a favor to Ye. Its a sign Jay doesn't like drama. He's Mr. "Imma be nice to your hoe." Thats a stand up guy. All fellas need a friend like Hov. 

10:35pm Breezy hits the stage. No pun. He's going to lip synch. Don't be alarmed folks. He performs "Don't Wake Me up" and "Turn up the music." Sorta wish he woulda brought out Rihanna. This boy is spray painted silver & dancing in Jordans. He has called Drake out for the one-on-one fade & Drake ain't responding. He's singing live. Performance gets 3.5 stars. 

10:40pm Debra Lee is here serving you funeral home secretary swag. Oh, its a serious moment. Its time for BET to salute Al Sharpton for his role in bringing issues of social justice to the forefront. Frankly, I'm honored that I will be able to tell my children and grandchildren I marched with The Reverend Al Sharpton. I won't throw shade but it was my colleagues at Howard Law who 1st brought Trayvon Martin's story to my attention. Salute to Al Sharpton. 

*Ignores LaLa*
10:54pm Its time for the Whitney Houston tribute. They got Mariah Carey!! Lemme just say my hopes are up. They got Monica  too! She's up there in that animal print combo dress lookin gawjuss honey! Who cares if she looks like she would respond "Whatever food you like?" They gave us Brandy too! Those two are coming as a package deal nowadays. Brandy sang two songs and showed us all how she plans to revive the family name after Ray J gave the world those Armenians. Next up is Whitney's brother Gary & lawd have mercy her mother Cissy is participating. This woman is strong. But when strong is the only choice you have...its what you gotta be. Is that Soulja Boy Crying? We gave Breezy a pass for MJ, gotta give Soulja Boy Tell 'Em one for this one. BET finally got a tribute right. I was genuinely moved. 

11:10pm The Waiting to Exhale cast shares candid memories of what it was like to know Whitney. Angela Bassett has not aged! Her black is so beautiful I can hardly stand it. She looks better than 1/2 the women MY age. Get it together ladies. 

11:13pm Queen Chaka shows up to give us "I'm every woman." We asked for a tribute and we got one! Yes BET! Chaka looks great! The tribute was excellent. It was more than what I expected. Now that I know BET *can* get it right, its only right I continue to hold them to a higher standard.

11:20pm Who took Sam thrifting and let him buy that hat? Terrance & Rosci are here to present the Coca-Cola Viewers Choice Award. Its their last year as hosts of BET's @106andPark. Who else wants to check up on them a year from now and see if they're in the same boat as Free & AJ? Just me? Welp. Just know the homie @SeanSimmons is the next host of 106 and park anyway. This is not up for discussion. Mindless Behavior won the Coca Cola viewers choice award. Its viewers choice so I'm not surprised. Their fans don't have lives. Those kids sat there and voted for them for hours. I am not surprised. They're fans haven't even hit puberty. 

::commercial break:: 
11:29pm The new cast member of "The Game" is Lauryn London. *blank stare* She still caught one of Wayne's seeds. Video of the Year goes to Beyonce and some dude named Alan Ferguson. Alan stands up & proclaims his love for Solange, Beyonce's little sister. Marry him girl. 

11:32pm Tyga & that boy Cashin show up to close out the show. They got condos on their wrist girl they cashin out. 

11:39pm Chris Brown wins the pandemonium award for the 3rd year in a row. Thanks to one of his fans who voted over 50,000 times over the last 24 hours. Who has time for that? 

Anywho, the show started on time and ran over. Sam Jackson didn't curse anybody out. I have a headache. I'll never do this again. If you missed the awards, don't worry because we all know they're gonna play it everyday for the next 6 months. 

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