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Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Blinded by Penis: 5 Signs Your Man is a Dickmatizer

Don't act like you've never wondered. I know y'all freaky asses are gonna keep reading. Don't play yourself boo. 
What is Good Dick? 

Good dick can call you at 5am and you will answer like you
were wide awake waiting on his phone call.  Good dick can ask you to make a 3 course meal on a Tuesday afternoon. 
Good dick will have you standing in line on Saturday @6am waiting for Yeezy's to drop. 
Good dick will inspire you. 
Good dick will have you going to work on a Monday morning to a job you hate speaking to every one of the people you don't like. 
Good dick makes your life better. 
Good dick will have you glowing. 
Good dick will have you driving in a rain storm just to spend an hour with him.
Good dick will make you sex your Saturday away. 
Good dick will have your boss wondering how you manage to perform well under incredible pressure. 
We're not talking about regular ol good sex. We're not even talkin' about the unrivaled good dick and good brain COMBO. . .yet. 

As comedian Rob Stapleton so eloquently put it, GOOD Dick can do stuff BAD Dick can't do. Read that again, fellas. Half of Sommore's set on Queens of Comedy was about good dick. It's important. Females get caught up tryna figure out if he's hung like a horse. Lookin at hands, feet and limb length tryna figure out whether he's "blessed." Silly girls. Length doesn't mean anything when he doesn't have girth. Size doesn't mean much when he knows how to stroke it. Next thing you know you're blinded by the penis wondering why you keep accepting less than you deserve so you can keep your good dick supply. Don't be confused kids, we're not talking about good sex. Good sex can make you climax. Good dick will fck your whole world up.  

Being dickmatized is not something to be ashamed about. Don't even try to justify trying to keep him around beyond the fact that he's serving good dick. He can't spell, he's not articulate and he doesn't know much about life beyond what 2Chainz raps about. Gworl, you don't have to hide it. No one is immune from the effect of a well slung penis. ::sigh:: I fell victim too.
How can you tell if a man has good dick before you have spread your legs for 'em? 
1. He Knows He Has Good dick. A man with good dick knows with every inch of his dick that he's great at laying pipe. Its in the way he walks, talks, dresses, laughs and looks at you. Good dick swag oozes from his pores. He uses that shit as a weapon. Good dick will ask you to take a trip just to get it and not stutter. He will be surprised when you ask "So you want me to travel all the way to (insert city) JUST to see you?" Good dick is rare and he knows it.  Girls wanna keep good dick on tap even if its in another town. Good dick uses his gift to change your mind and will have you losing your train of thought. The only reason he tries half the things he tries is because he knows he has good dick. 

2. He Doesn't Brag. Good dick doesn't do a lot of talking.

He doesn't have to. A guy who KNOWWWSSSSSS he has good dick will let his stroke speak for him. He might even allow you to doubt his dick giving ability. He'll talk about sex just so you know he knows what he's doing but he is mum about details. He's proly from the "islands." Those Jamaicans are trouble! *giggles* He's not gonna tell you his measurements. He's not gonna describe any special moves. Then, BAM! He'll sneak the snake up on ya and have you dickmatized in no time! LOL! ::Singing:: "Biggie Biggie Biggie can't you see?/ Sometimes ya peen just dickmatize me/ And I just love your flashy ways/Guess thats why they're broke and you're so paid/" ::Take that::

3. He Understands his REAL Purpose. He knows he can have all those stale ass qualities women say they're looking for (smart, funny, can take care of her, degree'd up, single, no kids, etc), but he knows what women really need: Good Dick at home. He understands his responsibility. He needs to have her walls trembling. He needs to leave her legs shaking. He knows she won't complain if he tells her where to put her legs. He knows he needs to toss her around and pulvarize the poon. He knows he can get her to jump off the dresser. He's also careful about who he shares his gift of girth with because he's learned the lesson that with great dick comes with great responsibility. He's probably given the pipe to a chick who wasn't mentally stable. That never ends well. 

4. He's Had Practice. Polls shows 90% of men don't discuss specifics or stroke techniques with their friends. Women are the opposite. We give each other blowjob lessons. We teach each other how to make our ass cheeks clap. We'll say, "Well he's not that big but he knows what to do with it" or "He's really big but he hurt me." Men don't ask about stroke numbers, special moves and, unless you're a groupie, they are tight lipped about your sexual prowess. He's gotten all of his experience through on-the-job training with women he's successfully made comfortable. This means his skill set has been carefully perfected. He knows he can dickmatize any woman. 

5. He Has Rhythm. Being a great dancer is directly related to his dickmatizing ability. The better he can move his hips the better he can swirl that...well you get it. Exhibit A: Chris Brown. Y'all don't believe Rih Rih thought twice about leaving Breezy because he's cute and funny do you? Have you seen that kid dance? I rest my case. 

Before y'all go accusing me of male bashin, I understand there is a place in every chick's life for a guy who has no other purpose in her life than to serve her with pulverizing and paralyzing penis. All some women need to transform their attitude is some good dick. When you find yourself making wild exceptions and concessions its time to step back and evaluate yourself. Look at yourself boo boo, your mind is jaded. You don't even recognize yourself based on your behaviors. You can't even remember why you were gonna cut him off. If you've fallen victim and wish to leave the situation, there is only one way to do it: make a clean break. You will have to stop seeing him immediately. You will need to axe all communications and possibly make new friends. Avoid all possible situations where the two of you will be left alone. Avoid eye contact when you see him and don't talk to him for more than 2 minutes until you have fully recovered.

Watch Rob Stapleton's bit on good dick starting at the 7:47 mark. 


Anonymous said...

you're so're writing is so're thinking is so black..everything you do is black..stop being so black in everything you do..or don't..I don't give a fuck.I feel like you cling to your blackness as a means to define you, if you embrace black culture so much then you shall be defined by it

Raine Lali Gabrielle said...

I'm black. Black and proud. CB4 black. Fist in the air proud. I'm absolutely ecstatic that it comes across in my writing :)

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