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Monday, July 02, 2012

For Ratchet Girls Who Go To Cookouts When Dates At Popeye's Are Not Enough

Before we get started, I have to admit I hesitated writing this because I didn't want people to think all I know how to write about is ratchet shit. I care. 
There comes a point in a relationship when your boo wants to take you to a cookout. Don't be alarmed its not a cheap date, its a milestone in your relationship. That is, if its with his REAL family and not just the aunt he hasn't spoken to in years. If its with that aunt he hasn't spoken to in a while, it is just a test to see if you know how to act. He doesn't trust you will know how to act around his mama. Pick up the knowledge I'm droppin. 

It occurred to me on this morning that there are no rules for such a thing. What are the rules for ratchet people going to cookouts where they will certainly meet their spouse's family? Glad you asked! 

10. If you have to ask, the answer is YES you have to wear underwear. By underwear I mean panties and, if you have big ass nipples, a bra too. You don't have to wear the granny joints but freeballing is not an option. 

9.  Don't take pictures of the food. If you say you're at a cookout, we all assume you're eating hamburgers and baked beans. Your plate aint special. While you're at it, just put your phone away. Twitter doesn't need to know. 

8. Don't call everybody at a cookout a bitch. Its not a term of endearment. You will get jumped. 

7. If you ain't NICE at spades, don't lie. There are ways we can find out. Your partner may end up being about that "I'll fight about a spades game" life. 

6. Don't constantly complain about the heat. Its a COOK.OUT. in the summer. Put on a hat and a sundress and stfu. 

5. Cover your ass and provocative tattoos. I know you have that lil black area under your butt. I literally need you to make sure thats covered. Cover that penis tat on your chest too. 

4. Don't be stuck  up. This is your chance to sell yourself to his family. You need to be funny, cute and open minded. You need to play their made up games. Don't be shocked when the drunk uncle flirts with you. Give genuine compliments and laugh at their jokes. 

3. Don't talk about his grandma's beard. She has had that beard and stache combo since your boo was a lil boy. Chances are he's quite fond of feeling the prickles. Who cares if she looks like a man? His grandaddy likes it. 

2. Don't bring cooked food. No one knows you. No one but the person you're f*cking can vouch for your food. That means no one will touch your food. Bring Ciroc or a watermelon. Won't go wrong with Ciroc but if your watermelon aint sweet you will lose points.  

1. If you stay until the end, you have to help clean up. If you find yourself one of the last 4 people there, offer to clean up. Grab a garbage bag or a dish rag and help clean up the mess his nasty family members left. Do it with a smile.  

Thats it. Did I miss any rules for ratchets? 

Twitter: @YourFavEsquire

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