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Monday, July 30, 2012

"How Many People Have You Slept With?"

"She say only fuck bout 4-5 n*ggas so you know you gotta multiply by THREE" -J.Cole
Rapper J.Cole said that verse on his single Nobody's Perfect featuring Missy Elliot. The chorus of the song says, "Nobody's perfect but you're perfect for me." I like that song. I'm tired of hearing that shit on the radio, but I like the song. In the line highlighted above, Cole discusses his imperfect mate by admitting he thinks she lied about her number. That got me to thinking. . .
"How many people have you slept with?"
(OR if you're ratchet) "What's your BODYCOUNT?"
Yes, people are still asking that question. 
People refuse to avoid it.
Its a stupid phucking question.  
Nothing good comes of that question. 
What idiot is keeping that question alive? 
It damages reputations.
It ruins relationships.
That conversation about numbers usually comes up as the relationship is about to progress to a physical level. Person A asks, "Sooo how many people would you say you've been with?" This puts Person B in a hopeless place. Person B wants the relationship to continue on an honest note BUT doesn't want their number to define them. Person B might fish around to see what Person A thinks is a high number as they think about whether they're gonna be honest. Its a lose-lose situation. The consequences all depend on what your partner thinks. If your partner thinks your number is too low you're a lying bastard. If your partner thinks your number is too high, youz a hoe who will never get married. People are dumb. They ask questions they already know the answer to. They ask questions they won't trust the answer to. For the record, I think the question should be eliminated in favor of asking about mutual friends they may have slept with and stds. If you haven't slept with anyone in my circle and you're std free I don't give a flying fuck about how many people you've slept with.  
"Men lie. Women lie. Numbers don't" 
Numbers MATTER. Numbers can be skewed so numbers LIE. Numbers used to only describe crime rates, HIV infection rates, test scores, tire pressure, and food prices (among other things), but we couldn't handle that life. Noooooo we had to add another level. We need a sex number. We need people to keep track of how many people they lay with so they can tell us. Then, we ask. We ask knowing damn well it shouldn't matter. We have a strange habit of forcing people into categories based upon external factors. Numbers matter for men more than they do for women. Any man who says they don't matter is lying. Any woman who says she won't date a man because he has a high number and is std and baby mama free is gonna be forever single. The only reason numbers matter for women is if the number is too low. I'm lookin at you, Mr. "Everybody doesn't get this penis."  Also, if your number is high and you're still whack in bed, we are judging you. Still, no one wants to be in a crowded party where their partner has slept with half of the people in there. The reality is male whores get passes that females won't ever get. I'm not the type of woman who complains about that. I don't even wonder about it. For me, thats life.  

Consider this: A couple mutually decides to take a break. Once they come back from the break they have a conversation about the number of partners they had during the break. He could say 8 and she could say 1. To her, that 8 sounds like a lot, but she always knew he was a sex whore so she might let that slide. She's just happy they're getting back together. To him, that one person sounds like 8. She might as well have been gang banged on Rick Ross' tour bus. Even if the break was 2 years,  the fact that another man's penis penetrated her walls borders on unforgivable. He thinks about it like she cheated. He never told her, but he expected her to save herself for him. She's gonna have to do some major work to make him trust her again and he might still leave her.  Aint that funny? 

I lied about my number for about 2 years. I wanted people to think I was innocent. I *AM* innocent tho LOL! I was technical as all fucks. "Well we weren't in a relationship so he doesn't count" or "Well I didn't enjoy it so that doesn't count."  Sidenote:You know your partner's number is high when they start asking follow-up questions. "Wait a minute, do one night stands count?" or "Does oral sex count?" 

Each time I lied it was by telling a lower number. Cuz what woman whores herself UP? The fuct up thing about that is I was lying about an already LOW number. It seemed high to me because I was young. 4 partners at 21 seemed like A LOT to me! At one point I was lying so much I had to sit down and figure out what it really was. I don't lie anymore because I don't think my number is high. Then again, I'm older and I'm running outta fucks to give anyway. I never went thru a period where I slept with random men to make myself feel good. I didn't have 30 one night stands in college.  I've never been the type to sleep around. I wasn't a "fast" young girl. I developed later in life. I'm also a bit of a tease, more on that later. Perhaps because my male best friends have always kept me on alert about the power of my number. I'm not in the double digits, but I only have a few more slots to go before I'm there. I have to be honest and say that gives me some pause. I feel like I've passed the point where you get passes. I'm old enough to know better than to seek happiness thru my nether regions. I'm smart enough to know having sex with a man won't make him stay. Does this mean I care what people think? Fuck people's opinions, in general. I care about whether the man I'm dating sees me as marriage material and whether he will discount me based on something I can't change. If he will, thats his loss. What would I keep dating him? For me, a double digit number means something. I don't know what it means, but the ways of the world have convinced me its not good. If you're in the double digits, I'm not judging you, but other people will. I'll proly ask you for tips. Live your life boo boo. 

Assigning our reproductive organs a number without context is dangerous. It opens up Pandora's box and yada yada. The good thing is its YOUR life so you get to decide how to approach it. You can decide if some people or some phases get a pass. You can consider timelines and context. The 40 year old virgin was a funny movie, but in real life 40 year old virgins are creepy. Are you 35 but you were a hoe in high school? Are you 28 but you lost your virginity at 13? Are you a professional athlete who has always had people throwing themselves at you?  Are you 24 but you just broke up with your high school sweetheart? Does 6 partners at 32 sound good if you have intentionally stayed with partners to keep your numbers low? 100 partners at 29 doesn't sound so bad if you know the context. Or does it? We are some judging ass people. 

Talk to me...

Twitter: @LegallyRatchet1

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