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Tuesday, July 03, 2012

MOMENT OF TRUTH: Are you a Hoe?

Don't waste your female empowerment speech on me.  For clarity purposes, when I use "hoe" I mean it as the slang of the word whore. Moving on.  Of late, the innanets have been buzzing trying to figure out what makes someone a hoe? Are people born hoes or do they become hoes? No one is a hoe at their core,  right? No one wants to be a hardcore hoe, right? No one wants to be a thru and thru certified hoe who can't help but be a hoe, right? No one with extra letters behind their name is a hoe, right? These are loaded rhetorical questions. 

Lets make this shit Swarovski Crystal clear once and for all, shall we? People really don't know what makes a hoe a hoe. Thats problem #1. Its all a bunch of subjective bullshit designed to try to control how we live our lives. It used to be cut and dry. It used to be if you slept with a certain number of people you were a hoe. There was no room for questions or justifications. Thats why women lie about their numbers. Then the hoe lobbyists got involved and made it complicated.  Now your hoe status is judged by the things you have done. 
If you're chasing men you're a hoe. 
If you swallow you're a hoe. 
If you have sex on the first date you're a hoe. 
If you have sex within the first 90 days you're a hoe. 
If you eat french toast at night you're a hoe. 
If you don't follow me on twitter you're a hoe.
If you don't read this entire post you're a hoe.  
What if you chase a man who ends up being your husband? What if you swall...I'll leave that one alone. What if you have sex on the first date with someone you have known since Morgan Freeman was a little boy? See? Shit is subjective. 

Women are the only ones who really care about being a hoe. Men are hoes too but you don't see them stressing. You don't see them sleeping with a chick on the first date and then waking up the next morning needing a rendezvous with his boys so he can feel like he's still a good person. He doesn't need assurance about not being a hoe. He accepts being a hoe. Women aren't like that. We need assurance that sleeping with a man on the first date does not make us hoes. If you want to keep a woman from doing something just tell her its only something hoes do. 
Women have lost sight of who we really are because we don't want people to think we're a hoe. 
For the sake of this post and because its true in real life, we're going to say perception is reality. So if you do things that make you look like a hoe you're a hoe, K? This will not be debated. Don't bitch up now because its time to determine if you are, indeed, a hoe.  

1. Are your friends hoes? Studies show you are 110% more likely to be involved in hoe shit if your friends are also hoes. You are a hoe by association. Hoes of a feather...

2. Do you have a sex tape? I'm serious. Did you willingly make a sex tape? If you made a sextape and kept the footage you're a dreaming hoe. You will not be the next Kim Kardashian. Montana chocolatechipbooty Fishburne, I'm lookin at you girl.  

3. Have you ever had sex with two different people in the same day? This is the stuff Maury episodes are made of. If you have had sex with two different people in the same day, you're a hoe. 

4. Have you ever asked, "Am I a Hoe?" Chances were a hoe at that moment. You might have done something you think only a hoe would do and it caused you to pause. That is ok. Its normal. Every woman will have at least one "Am I a hoe?" moment in her life. If you are a woman and you haven't had that moment, just wait its coming to ya. 

5. Have you Ever Flown to a City JUST to Have Sex? I'll let you draw your own conclusions about that one. 

6. Do You Have Sex For Money or Material Things? I don't care how much you needed that rent money or how badly you wanted those red bottoms. Guess who has sex specifically for money and/or material things? Hoes. 

7. Do You Dress Like a Hoe? The great comedian Dave Chapelle once said if you wear the uniform of a cop, then people will treat you like a cop. The same premise applies if you wear the hoe uniform. 

Don't shoot the messenger, kids. This isn't an episode of hoe hunters. I'm not here to point out hoes. I'm no here to save hoes. I'm not here to make hoes feel bad. I just wanted to clear up a few things. If you're a hoe, accept it. If you're not a hoe you're not a hoe. Stop justifying your actions to people who don't matter anyway.  Who you bust it open for is your business. Put your energy into becoming a better person. Kapeesh? 

Some of y'all are out here trying to live like you're a hoe and you're not. You just have hoe tendencies. Living your life making hoe-like decisions. You might have a one night stand every once in a while and give sloppy top on the way to the movies. You are allowed to make 5 hoe-like decisions before you are actually considered a hoe. Also, if it is has been 5 or more years since you did some hoe shit, you now a virtuous woman again. Chill out on chasing hoe dreams before you end up pregnant by an athlete on injured reserve. 

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