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Friday, July 06, 2012

*Remixed* Act Like A Man, Think Like a Lady

Nobody told me today was Opposite Day! 
Editor's Note: A year ago I wrote something similar to this for the ladies. Check it out. 

Dating. The thing all single people hate but accept as a necessary evil. 
Pop Quiz: Which kind of first date is the least irksome? 
A) Dinner & a movie dates. 
B) Beach dates. 
C) Come over and chill dates. 
D) All of the above are annoying AF. 
The correct answer is D. All kinds of dates are annoying. 

Women complicate things. Women are emotional. We all know these things to be true. Don't try to debate me on this. You will lose. Men have the great ability to keep the most complicated situations simple. No this is not a post about penis envy but I admire men and their ability to keep things simple. Beyonce sang a song about what she would do if she were a boy. Ciara did the same. Steve Harvey built a relationship advice empire laid with a "Think like a man" foundation. 

If women could master flipping a situation 101, straddling, and crying at the drop of a hat we could assume our rightful place as rulers of the free world. Inception.

Today its about the fellas. We've had enough of people telling us to act like y'all. Its your turn. Act like a Man, Think Like a Lady. 
Pull up a chair. Kiss the rang.
1. Realize Disney Sold Us Fairytale Dreams. Disney has all regular chicks thinkin they're a Princess. The entire Disney empire is built on that BS they sell little girls. We want our Prince Charming- a man exactly our type who will confess his undying love and protect us forever. That fairytale doesn't work if Prince Charming is too scared to approach us. Rejection is a valid fear to have but I'm gonna need you all to grab your nuts and go after the woman you really want. Don't just go for the woman who goes for you. Don't go overboard by being overly aggressive and demanding dates. Give her the green light. Let her know you're single and interested. Take the guessing out of it. Oh, and don't ignore obvious signs she isn't interested.  

2. Explain Your Emotions. You won't die for professing your love. You won't disappear if you share your fear. Suck it up. Open up your heart for Pete's sake. What are you getting from holding back? Scratch all that macho shit and show your emotions. If all you want is hot sweaty sloppy sex let her know. If you want a relationship, say that. If she aint smash worthy, tell her. The most important thing is to be honest. 

3. Notice the Little Things. If she changed her hair color say something. If she cut new layers into her hair, compliment her. Notice her nail color, new highlights, new jewelry and new outfits. If she made a drastic change, don't make her feel bad. Trust me when I say she's doing 80% of it to appease you. The least you can do is tell her you noticed. 

4. Do Something Domestic. Too many men see domesticity as a drawback. They're hustling ass backwards. Do you UNDERSTAND how much poon you could get if you made a woman a delicious home cooked meal? Wash her car, clean the carpet and/or wash the dishes. Make her load a little lighter but don't brag about it. I'm willing to bet she would be much more willing to buss it open if you cleaned the house and did the laundry. "I appreciate that thing you did" sex comes second only to make-up sex. Thank me later. 

5. Stop Sending Mixed Signals. Seriously, stop this shit. Men send mixed signals and cause us to go off of the deep end then wanna call us crazy. You know what you did to make her act the way she's acting. You claim you don't want a relationship but you keep piping her down knowing she wants a relationship with you. Mixed signals #likeamug. We need you to reinforce your boundaries. If you don't want a relationship don't do relationship shit. Keep it strictly dickly. Don't cuddle. Don't buy gifts. Don't meet her moms. I hear you saying women should be able to tolerate a man being a gentlemen. People in hell should get ice water. Fact is most women can't handle it. We won't admit so I'm saying it for us. She is going to keep having sex with you because not having sex with you will let you know she can't handle a fck buddy. Be an asshole. Be straightforward. Send crystal clear signs. I'm serious. Make your boundaries clear so there is no room for signals to get crossed. Don't try to have sex out of spite, just move on. She WILL test you. For you she WILL break rules she claimed were set in stone. You have to hold yourself accountable for the things you allow. 

6. Go Shopping And ENJOY Her Company. We know you dread shopping. We know you dread seeing us nitpick over dresses. Look at it this way: If you can get in the dressing room with her you might get a free strip tease. See? Now its win-win! 
Do all of this AND open the top off of our pickle jar and we'll love you long time! 

I know there are a few things I missed. Ladies, what are some of the things men do that you wish women could do? Men, is there anything women do that you wish you could do?

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