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Thursday, July 05, 2012

Sh*t Bougie Blacks Do

DC is the bougie black capital of the world. Bougie blacks run amock in DC. They're at brunch every weekend, driving used Audi A8s, eating at trendy restaurants with Groupon deals and attending alternative music festivals. While perusing YouTube last evening, I stumbled upon the gem below.

I'm not saying the video is spot on, but the video is SPOT.ON. Trust me, I know bougie black girls. I'm not one of them. Still, the video made me think about some of the things bougie blacks do. Indulge and judge with me. 

Hand out Business Cards. Perhaps this is just a regional thing, but bougie blacks in DC love to hand out their business cards at times that don't even call for business cards. Sit yo pretentious ass down. 

Become friends with OTHER bougie blacks. What other way to justify the bougie shit they do than to hang around other bougie blacks who will co-sign on bougie shit? Oh, you only eat white cheese? Oh, you only go to clubs if you're in VIP?

Brag about their weave. "Girl this is virgin malaysian hair. It cost me $400 an ounce."

Brag about being natural. Bougie blacks who are natural LOVE to brag about it. They love showing off their natural styles and talking about the products they use. They complain about being natural while putting other women down who still get perms and wear weaves. 

Deny Being Bougie. "I'm not bougie" is the calling card of every bougie person. Don't let them tell you anything different. They live in a bougie neighborhood, eat lunch with bougie people and snark at the first person who calls them bougie.

Walk around in Gym Clothes. She hasn't been to the gym all year but everytime you see her out and about she's in yoga pants and Vibrams. He can't even play basketball but he's always in basketball shorts and a t-shirt. 

Use "ratchet" to describe EVERYTHING."Her shoes are so ratchet" or "That club was so ratchet" or "Our waiter is so ratchet."  Halle Berry in B.A.P.S.? Ratchet. 

Brag about their "diverse" music catalogue. Oh, all you listen to is rap and hip-hop? You're not bougie. Real bougie blacks listen to 2Chainz and Sade; Jeezy and Amel Larrieux; Blueprint 1 Jay-Z and Blueprint 3 Jay-Z. 

Support alternative sports. Bougie blacks like basketball and football but its important that people know they also like soccer, tennis, baseball, rugby and lacrosse.  

Brag about their love for International Food. Oh, you love Thai and Japanese food? 

All of this AND they actually swim at pool parties. 

Well there you have it. If you're bougie, embrace it. If you're not, you're hood. Thats just the way the world works. You can't be bougie and hood at the same time. If we allowed for that, we would have to open Pandora's box of exceptions. That won't happen. Don't look down on other people who wear their bougie on their sleeve. Don't judge people who wear their hood on their sleeve (or on their face). It IS possible to become bougie. If you're not bougie but you want to be, consider picking up some of the habits above. You're welcome. 

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