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Monday, August 20, 2012

A Trip Down Memory Lane: 5 90s TV Shows That Actually SUCKED

80s babies give the 90s so much credit for being awesome. We like to look back on that time with feelings of nostalgia thinkin about all the things that were awesome about the 90s that young kids now missed out on. When I was a kid, I thought my Saturday cartoon lineup was the bomb dot com. I would wake up and brush my teeth, rush thru my breakfast and switch between FoxKids, Nickelodeon, Disney and ABCKids. I could hardly wait to get thru my week because I could sit inside for most of Saturday morning and watch cartoons in my jammies. Last week, I came across some old footage of a fight scene between the black power ranger and some random dude. Well, it wasn't quite a fight scene; it was more of a dance battle. After watching that footage, I got to thinkin about shows I watched as a kid that I now know SUCKED. Wanna know which shows? 
5. Homeboys in Outer Space
The Premise: It was a science fiction sitcom about two space cadet wannabes flying around in a "space hoopty." The two homeboys traveled via space hoopty in search of fame and fortune. The kicker? They always found themselves doing odd jobs to pay the bills. 
Why it sucked: All you have to do is watch one episode or even the intro and you can see why. Their space hoopty looked more like a huge beat up car, the graphics sucked, the storyline was dry and the only way you heard a laugh from the punchlines was from the laughtrack. It proly beyond sucked, but I can't think of a word that means anything worse. Yes, it was that bad. 

4. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

The Premise: 4 human-like mutant turtles were trained in karate by a human-like mutant rat sensei named Splinter who wore a smoking jacket. The turtles started out as pets accidentally dropped down the drains and Splinter was a former human banished from his ninja pack. They were all mutated by a glowing goo. Each turtle wears a distinctive color mask and is trained in a distinctive weapon. Oh, and they LOVE pizza. 
Why it sucked: The creators thought it was cool to name 4 stank mutant turtles after 4 Renaissance artists. Thats just disrespectful. The premise isn't logical. Splinter and the mutant turtles lived in the sewers of New York City, but they never had those "smelly" lines coming from their bodies. If they lived near so much untreated sewage, they are supposed to smell. Oh, they don't have pores? How did they build such sophisticated living quarters in the sewers? I have so many more questions but imma chill so we can move on.  

3. The Dinosaurs 
'Memba dem? 
The Premise: It was a sitcom dreamed up by Jim Henson that featured life-like situations with a distinct twist: the main characters were dinosaurs. The hilarious show centered on the Sinclair family: Mom Fran, Dad Earl, their teens Robbie & Charlene, grandma Phillips and baby Sinclair. Viewers and their experiences living in 60,000,003 BC in Pangea.
Why it sucked: It didn't really suck. It just sucked for kids. Watching it now, I realize the show had some very adult nuances. I loved the little baby and this scene is one of my favorite. True, the puppet mouths never fit their words but we're not gonna be petty. Episodes explored topics like paternity, women's rights, sexual harassment, body image, steroid use, allusion to religion, civil rights teen angst and many others.

2. Clueless

Lets get one thing straight: I LOVED Clueless the movie. Clueless the tv show doe? Not so much. This one was in TGIF's lineup. Didn't you love that lineup?
The Premise: It was a tv show spin-off of the wildly popular movie with the same name. Cher was a rich teen living a rich life and her friends were doing the same. They shopped, faced teenage crises and talked about boys. 
Why it Sucked: Because I said so. Just kidding, but not really. The show sucked because it was one of those shows that featured 25 year-old actors playing 17 year-olds. In the tv show, Cher was more selfish and self-absorbed and that meant she wasn't the same likable character fans fell in love with at the movies. The series kept many of the same actors from the movie, but I never got over their choice to cast the show sans Alicia Silverstone and it always came off as a knockoff for me.

1. Mighty Morphing Power Rangers
Don't act like you didn't watch Power Rangers!  
The premise: Thanks to Fox 6 teenage ninjas gained super powers by "morphing" and used their powers, and matching robot dinosaurs (LOL!), to fight evil aliens, witches and demons. In the Mighty Morphin series, they were led by a floating face named Zordon and a clumsy robot who was a technical genius. If that ain't silly. 

Why it Sucked: All of that giant dinosaur vs. giant villain fighting and it never made the news. Before the world was so PC, the colors of the rangers were racist. The black suit was worn by the Black ranger, the Asian ranger wore yellow and they made the pink ranger a complete ditz.  The entire series was predictable. The graphics were horrible. The editing was atrocious and, looking back, that sh*t doesn't even look real. It spawned umpteen spin-offs, the insanely popular megazord toy and a few terrible movies. Don't make 'em call the megazord. Don't make the green ranger pull out his flute and play it thru his mask! All they did was splice footage from a Japanese show and dubb in English-speaking actors. How dreadful!

Just because these shows suck now, doesn't take away from their wild popularity. They have all sold millions in merchandising, movie sales, personal appearance fees and syndication deals. You mad cuz I bashed your favorite shows? You'll get over it darling. 

What were your favorite tv shows as a kid? Is there a show you think belongs on the list? I'm listenin...

Twitter: @LegallyRatchet1

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