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Thursday, August 16, 2012

Cuffing Season 101: The Good, The Bad & The Ugly

Cufing season is coming. Are you already cuffed? Good for you. You say you're not tryna get cuffed? Too bad. Read it anyway and share with your single friends. I don't wanna assume y'all know what cuffing season is so I'll tell ya. "Cuffing" is the practice of trying to lock someone down as a prospect to become your boyfriend/girlfriend. Cuffing is the step right before you enter into a monogamous, committed relationship. Cuffing season is marked by a stark increase in the number of people coupling up. I am not the originator of cuffing season, I just be knowing. Eff what you heard, the official start to cuffing season is September 22. 

Before cuffing season, just like in the NFL, there is a Combine. Oh, you didn't know? Thats why I'm here. Its not that you're behind, some people be knowing more than others. The idea of the combine and the cuffing season calendar have been explored by many and mastered by a few. I just wanna share the knowledge. Grab a seat, you might learn something new today. What is a Cuffing Combine? Its a place where singles gather to do the human version of the peacock strut in hopes of securing a companion for the winter weather. The combine takes place in bars, strip clubs, lounges, conferences, conventions, corporate meet-ups and anywhere else large amounts of singles gather. There are no scouts, only team owners. In a dating situation, there is always a team owner and a player. Owners are the people who have more bargaining chips in the selection process and players are those with a handicap. Single folks have spent most of the summer getting their bodies perfect and their confidence is at an all time high. Fellas keep their haircuts and clothing choices fresh and ladies keep their hair, skin and nails on point. Ya never know when you're gonna get chose. 
Players arrive at the Combine prepared to compete in events that are tailored to help team owners gather accurate data about their ability to be a good choice for a winter weather companion. All players are team owners. Some team owners are also players while others show up just to gauge the scene. Players are scored on a sliding scale based upon unique talent, physique, confidence, intelligence, ambition, and desire to complement a partner. They are judged subjectively against other competitors. Stellar candidates are invited back for individual workouts in front of team owners. 

First, rough measurements are taken of the players' height, weight, hand size, shoe size, waistline, inseam (for men) and bust (for women).
Physical Position Drills. The physical position drills tests a players agility, strength, stamina and ability to comfortably change positions. Players are allowed to display their flexibility by freestyling various physical positions. Bonus points are given for the use of props. Musical selections are allowed. The scores are added to each player's scorecard. 
The Pitch. The pitch tests players confidence, charm, intelligence, conversation skills and persuasive abilities. Players are given 45 seconds to convince a complete stranger to accompany them on a date. Bonus points may be earned if the target genuinely laughs.
The Interview. The interview tests players patience and honesty. Players are allowed to explain baggage and let their personality shine. They address their weaknesses and prove how their strengths in one area makes up for where they're slacking in other areas. Two unique questions are chosen for each participant based upon their background. 

Note: There are no position-specific drills because everyone is vying for the same position: significant other.  

Weak prospects are weeded out at the Combine. Tears will be shed. People will wonder why they didn't make it thru. Depending on their chances for improvement, they may be signed to the practice squad. After the Combine, player scores are tallied and used in the selection process for the draft. 

After the Combine is the draft. The draft is where team owners build their team. Owners rely on the combine to determine whether to draft their prospects. Why? Because what happens at the combine is closely related to what happens in actual relationships. Team owners have carefully analyzed their existing roster and are comfortable adding new players. Owners who participate as players are always better at choosing. Don't listen to those folks who say you shouldn't court several people at a time. Thats bullshit. If you're not in a committed relationship, you can date how you choose. Choose wisely. Get chosen wisely. Don't get drafted by the Bobcats. Don't be the Bobcats. Don't end up on a team with too many stars. Don't be upset when another owner courts your player. 

After the draft is training camp. Players are put into rotation to see how they measure up against their teammates.  Personal communication between owners and players increases and so does the amount of time they spend together. Owners get the chance to evaluate their choices on an individual basis and determine whether to make cuts. There is no real emotional attachment and the cuts are not personal. 

After training camp is the preseason. Most people say they don't care about the preseason, but the Cuffing pre-season is very important. Pre-season performance is important because its a chance to see how your players hold up once things get a bit more serious. The holidays are approaching so its important to consider whether a player is worth introducing to your family. 

After the pre-season is where things get more serious. Players and owners meet each other's friends, co-workers and families. They learn more about each other's personal lives and decide whether they want to make a commitment to each other. If it doesn't work out, team owners revert to their practice squads to keep them company. People on the practice squad are those people who are just happy to have somebody so they don't care about getting sloppy seconds.

The 2012 deadline to get cuffed is November 1. Today is August 16. If you haven't been cuffed yet, just know you've got some time to change that. If you have are not cuffed by the deadline, just prepare yourself for the questions from your family. Lets see who makes it to Valentines Day 2013. 

Until next time. 
Twitter: @LegallyRatchet1

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