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Thursday, September 06, 2012

Captain Obvious asks: Are YOU a jumpoff??

Karrine Steffans, eternal jumpoff.

I decided to let Captain Obvious take this one. What is a jumpoff? I realize the term might be outdated so I'm glad you asked. For our answer, let's turn to the Book of Joe Budden, Chapter 2003 verse 5.

My jump off doesn't run off at the mouth so much/
My jump off never ask why I go out so much/
My jump off never has me going out of my way/
And she don't want nothing on Valentines Day/
My jump off don't argue or get rebellious/
And she don't mind hanging out wit da fellas/
My jump off's not insecure or jealous

Some of you fellas can learn a lesson or two from brother Budden. Seems like he's got all the girls. Enough smalltalk. A jumpoff is a casual sex partner. There. For some of you, the jumpoff is the OTHER person in your relationship who helps you release steam so that you can keep a happy home. I didn't make up that logic. People use that. Somehow we've gotten to this point where everyone wants to be politically correct so jumpoffs are called "Friends with Benefits" in some situations. I like to call a spade a spade. No sugar.

While some of you may say somethin chauvinistic like, "No REAL man is gonna end up a jumpoff without knowing it" please understand men end up jumpoffs too. I can personally attest to this. Don't ask me how. Just keep reading. 

Since I'm pretty sure at least one of you is reading this and honestly wondering whether you're a jumpoff, I won't hold off any longer. Below are 10 rules everyone follows when dealing with a jumpoff. 

1. No calls or contact before the sun sets. Exception: If we are confirming or canceling plans to meet up. 

2. No cuddling. After we're done, your job is to get dressed and take the walk of shame. Alone. 

3. No kissing on the lips (during sex or any other time). Kissing makes it intimate and I don't want that with you. I don't want your lips to touch mine. You can kiss my neck & nether regions, tho.

4. We will not be seen in public together unless it is absolutely necessary. In the event that we are in public together, don't try to hold my hand or walk closely with me. I barely want people to know I'm in public with you.

5. Don't try to have standards about how you arrive and leave my dwelling. If you have to come and leave through my back door that's just what you're gonna have to do. Feel special cuz I didn't ask you to use the dog door.

6. Dont expect anything such as gifts or my time on holidays. Holidays don't exist in our world. Neither does MY money. If you wanna eat, you can pay for your own meals.

7. I am a phantom person. Don't try to make me known to your family or friends. Don't try to make yourself known. Don't sneak into pics or comment on my social media updates. Just lurk in the shadows, darling. 

8. Don't ask questions about anything that's not related to our encounters. Don't ask me about my day. Don't ask me about my job. Don't ask about my family. They don't even know you exist. Ask me about condoms & STD test results. 

9. Don't complain about how we spend our time together. Oh, you don't like football? Is that your problem or mine? Cuz I'm about to watch the game with or without you. 

10. Don't catch feelings. There is a place for feelings and this is not *It.* If you feel yourself getting too attached, let it go. The longer you stick around, the more hurt you will end up. Not that I care whether you're hurt.  

Has the person you thought was your boo been following these rules? I don't need to tell you what that means. Did I hurt your feelings? Step on your toes? I know you're probably thinking I'm a little harsh, but it's only cuz I love you. I don't want you to be so blinded by your desires to say "I'm in a relationship" that you miss the signs proving you are in a relationship by yourself. The only thing worse than being a jumpoff is being one and not knowing it. Some of you may try to use the willing jumpoff counterargument. There's nothing wrong with that. Just know those situations don't end well and the scars from being used up are not always visible. K? Now go look in the mirror and tell yourself you're beautiful. 


Twitter: @LegallyRatchet1

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